Should I be in a casual sexual relationship? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself.
Relationships start in many ways, and there are many types of relationships you will experience throughout your life. A causal sexual relationship may be one of them. You will never always know what you want a hundred percent of the time. And yes, for some of you, that makes you very anxious; however, there are ways to understand what you want in the present. So, here are 5 questions to ask yourself before you start a casual sexual relationship.
What kind of sexual relationship do I want?
(be honest with yourself) Many people say that a casual sexual relationship is OK with them when they really want a monogamous (that includes sexual monogamy) or long-term partnership. Whether it is because you like the person you are currently seeing and hope it becomes more or you are terrified of saying you want commitment because of the depths of vulnerability, people will stay in relationships that don’t serve them. Knowing what you truly desire will help you understand what you need from a casual sexual experience. According to Claxton & van Dulmen (2013), most young people will experience at least one casual sexual relationship (Claxton & van Dulmen, 2013). And while they are growing in popularity among people between 18-29 years old, the definition of casual sexual relationships varies. The first step is to identify what type of casual sexual relationship you want and why. You don’t necessarily need to tell anyone your why, but you must be transparent with anyone you see what you are looking for in the sexual relationship (even when you know it may turn them off).
Do I have the time, ability, and desire to give to the kind of sexual relationship I want?
This is a big one. Every type of relationship takes some effort, even the causal ones because you must talk about “ground rules.” The truth is sometimes these relationships kind of start, and there isn’t necessarily any intention in the beginning. But once you understand what you are in, you need to talk to the other person to be on the same page. When there is no clarity between the parties about what is going on in this relationship, misunderstandings happen, which can lead to hurt feelings and a lot of drama. Something I want to make sure I point out is that there are distinct risks associated with casual sexual relationships for various people. Some of those risks require discussions about safety (Farvid & Braun, 2018). Protect yourself and others by discussing the boundaries and expectations from this experience. And let go of the relationship if there isn’t a common understanding. I promise you will thank yourself in the long run.
Am I able to express what I want to the people I plan on having a sexual relationship with?
Another vital point. If you don’t know your boundaries, it's harder to tell other people what they are. If you are not good at expressing your feelings to others, it’s going to be especially difficult to be in a casual sexual relationship because it requires absolute honesty. People can intend for something to be causal but develop feelings and then go on to recognize this is not what they want from the experience. Sometimes, even if people know the relationship is causal, there may be “rules or expectations” that they assume come with it that the other person doesn’t know. In other words, your definition of causal can differ from someone else’s. For example, is it okay to date each other’s friends? What is the protocol when we are out in public together? How much information do we disclose to the people around us? Do you invite each other to certain events? Overall, people reported more positive outcomes than negative ones from their casual sexual relationships. However, adverse emotional outcomes like depression, lower self-esteem, and regret can occur (Wesche et al., 2021). Having the tools to identify and express your feelings will help you navigate your emotions when they arise. If you are not there yet, that’s okay. Perhaps developing better communication skills comes first, then you can engage in a causal sexual relationship.
Does what I want from a sexual relationship align with where I want to be now and in the future?
Everyone you date will not become a committed relationship or lead to marriage, and that’s okay. Sometimes dating is really about our personal growth. But if you are someone who wants to get married, acting like you do not isn’t going to serve you in the long run. The same is true for people who want to enjoy someone’s time and don’t necessarily know if getting married is right for them. Many people say they don’t want a commitment, but sometimes they actually do want a commitment. Perhaps they don’t want it from you. That can be hurtful if you have feelings invested. However, it may also be the best thing for you. Then, you can find the person who wants the same things as you and is willing to do the work to get them (the key is doing the work, not just saying they will do the work). Sometimes, people date people who are the opposite of their long-term goals, whatever they may be. And the reasons for this can make up a whole other blog. But as long as you know what your goals are, then that helps you to decide if a casual sexual relationship is right for you. Yes, you could want to have a partner in the future and still want to have great sex with a hottie in front of you. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Does what I want in a sexual relationship make me happy today?
Perhaps this is the biggest of them all. Are you or will you be happy?!?!?? The only person who can decide that is you. Everyone is different, so what you seek can vary between friends, family, and even society. The key is taking time to quiet all the voices around you and decide if this is what you need right now and if you are happy with how your casual sexual relationship is going (keep in mind the other person). If the answer is yes, then carry on.
Conclusion
The way relationships are structured is changing. It can be exciting for those who yearned for another option from the traditional committed relationships we’ve been shown for so long. It can also be daunting to find what works for you and be able to support it. If a casual sexual relationship is not suitable for you, that is perfectly fine. If a causal sexual relationship sparks your interest, that is also perfectly fine. The key is to know what works for you and why it works for you and develop the appropriate tools to make it happen without hurting others.
Citations
Claxton, S. E., & van Dulmen, M. H. M. (2013). Casual Sexual Relationships and Experiences in Emerging Adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 1(2), 138-150. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167696813487181
Farvid, P., & Braun, V. (2018). “You worry, ‘cause you want to give a reasonable account of yourself”: Gender, identity management, and the discursive positioning of “risk” in men’s and women’s talk about heterosexual casual sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 1405-1421.
Wesche, R., Claxton, S. E., & Waterman, E. A. (2020). Emotional Outcomes of Casual Sexual Relationships and Experiences: A Systematic Review. The Journal of Sex Research, 58(8), 1069–1084. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1821163
